Sweet Like Antifreeze

Job Perks

2012-01-26T13:39:00.001-05:00

You know, I specifically didn't have kids so I wouldn't have to clean up another persons shit.

I don't know why you thought screaming would help

2012-01-24T09:23:00.000-05:00

As I was leaving work last night a woman was storming around screaming that we were all incompetent because of things that are not on sale that she wanted to be on sale but we would not ring up on sale for her.

Naturally.

I'm sure you don't have any other pent up issues that need working out lady.

It's alllll us.

But thank you for screaming and asking for my name and TELLING ME STRAIGHT TO MY FACE that you will be calling the corporate office to get me in trouble.

You are a great person. I'm so glad there were 2 other supervisors and a pharmacist that witnessed your temper tantrum so I sincerely doubt I'll be in trouble.

Really, I applaud the effort you are willing to put into getting a total stranger into trouble because you could not scream your way into getting what you want and certainly were not entitled to.***

***To be clear, something she brought up was not marked as a clearance item, she dragged me to the home location, screaming that we had incompetent workers, and IT WAS THE LAW that we give it to her, and when we got over there, there was no clearance sign anywhere near the other 10 same items on the shelf. At which point I thought, hey, she might feel stupid, so in my approaching a dog that clearly has rabies voice, I said "Sometimes people put things in the wrong spot and I'm sorry it's confusing...." TO WHICH she whipped around and ~~said~~ yelled "WELL MAYBE IF YOUR EMPLOYEES FACED THE STORE THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN."

Hippie Hypocrite

2012-01-22T17:51:00.000-05:00

I actually admired the clearly crunchy granola, coupon clipper, hemp bag using, dreadlocks having hippie for being so environmentally conscious. I was actually berating myself on my way through the parking lot. Then I look up and see her climbing into a YELLOW HUMMER. I couldn't help but yell YOU FUCKING HUMMER DRIVING HIPPIE HYPOCRITE!!!

Anger Management

2012-01-22T15:11:00.000-05:00

You know you have anger issues when you get aggressive with a pregnant lady over 13 cents.

New Apartment-Empty

2012-01-08T20:09:00.003-05:00

Lovely counter

Bright living room that was immediately covered with curtains.

See how bright? How could we watch tv?

The living room has a door, that never closes, but am oddly delighted to have.

Amazing raging river behind the house.

Laundry! In the basement! That only I use!

Lots of doors, going to the backyard....

Not my bedroom.

My bedroom. No radiator, thank goodness.

Kitchen nook.

Backyard, that we have sat in once.

Obsessive Compulsive

2012-01-08T18:34:00.000-05:00

I can spend whole days off thinking that my whole life will be put in order if I just put the couch on the other wall! OF COURSE! That is what has been missing!

Suck It Sunday

2011-12-11T17:34:00.000-05:00

I have not been this sick in years. I'm around people a lot more now so my chances of being infected are significantly higher. I got the flu shot for the first time this year and I am one of those crazies that now believe it is evil and I won't ever get one again. I was so looking forward to this season, my first at my new job, loving the fall, but things have kind of turned to shit. On top of all my personal problems, feeling sick just amplifies them. I slept yesterday from 10am to about 7am the next day. Today I've just been roaming from bed to couch to bed to couch, whining the whole time. I think of all the stuff I have to get done but every time I stand up I get dizzy and have the lay back down. That might have more to do with my "liberal intake" of cough medicine than my sickness but WHATEVER.

Think Twice

2011-09-11T18:55:00.001-04:00

I don't know what possessed that sales lady to put her hand in my hair so she could tell me it was nice, but after her arm heals she'll think twice before doing THAT again.

Dreams of dangling pitt bulls danced in my head

2011-08-30T07:23:00.001-04:00

So right this second, right this very moment, at 6:58 am on August 30th, I awoke from a dream where I had a pitt bull dangling from my elbow. That I was carrying around and asking who it belonged to.
From what I can remember as the dream is now fading, I was outside at some sort of market when this lady walking a light brown pitt bull said 'Oh god! Someone new! Hide her!' To which I immediately climbed a series of pipes (at an outdoor market no less!) and wrapped my arms and legs around those pipes like I was starring in a Mission Impossible movie. *For the record that particular move would be Mission Impossible since I barely have the upper body strength to pick up my cat since he's gotten so chubby.
So there I am dangling from pipes in an outdoor market when suddenly I turn and I am face to face with the light brown pitt bull. There are suddenly steps made of bales of hay under the pipes I am dangling from in the outdoor market. The dog looks nice and I think 'Awww, why was I dangli....' when the little fucker reaches out and latches onto my elbow.
NEXT THING YA KNOW, we are in what appears to be a fancy restaurant. The dog now dangling from my elbow isn't aggressive, Hell, it's not even heavy. I keep walking through asking EVERYONE if this is their dog and they all keep turning away. Finally I went up to some girl and said 'JUST YANK IT OFF!! I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES THE WHOLE ELBOW!'
She had to yank really hard and when she finally got the dangler off, my elbow had teeth marks all around it and I was bleeding! Badly! All I had in my purse was a receipt and I asked a waiter for a napkin and he yelled " AREN'T YOU GOING TO BUY ANYTHING FIRST?!?!"
Then I woke up to pee. The end. Well, I'm going to call my therapist, so certainly not the end of THIS little story.

Army Crawl

2011-08-16T18:18:00.003-04:00

I wonder how many of you have army crawled to your window to shut it because you heard the neighbors kid and knew you lacked the self control to not lean out the window to tell that childs mother that the first time she has taken him out all summer should not be on a rainy day and PS meth-head, smoking under my open window is one thing but I wonder what child protective services will think of story hour on the swing set while mom's auditioning for the role of an after school special of how EXACTLY you don't want your life to turn out.

Random

2011-07-17T14:10:00.003-04:00

I hate summer. I hate the heat and the bugs and the amount of skin that people feel the need to show. I hate the way people smell bad and stand too close. I hate how pissed off people get because they're hot.

I hate how I'm supposed to love summer. I live in New England and it's cold most of the year and people wait for summer like I wait for dinner to be over so I can ask for dessert. I try to stay inside with the A/C on and wait for fall. I wish I could love summer but all it does it make me uncomfortable. I love sweaters and scarves and hot tea. I love the feeling of cold air in my lungs. I'm going out to buy a patio set today that is on sale not to sit outside now, but in a few months when it's actually pleasant to be outside.

On sale?

2011-07-10T15:13:00.002-04:00

Is this jacket on sale?

No, sorry, it's not.

But THIS jacket is on sale?

Yes, that one is.

But this one's not?

NO.

Well, I would buy this jacket but it's not on sale.

Ok.

Are you SURE it's not on sale?

Do you think I'm lying?

What?

Do YOU think I'm lying? That the jacket is on sale and I'm keeping it a secret?

You don't have to be so rude!

I'm not trying to be, but you're asking me over and over again if the same jacket is on sale. I was just trying to put an end to this ridiculous conversation. (ok, that was rude.)

Cashier Observations

2011-06-21T11:44:00.002-04:00

I am so tired of seeing leathery, wrinkled cleavage of women buying cigarettes.

Someone has to do it

2011-06-21T10:48:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it comes down to the fact that there is no one else to ring the register. So I do, because it's an amazingly appropriate use of my talents and salary. It's fine, and I say FINE like a 16 yr-old sorority brat picking up her new BMW and they don't have it in Cherry Red like she wanted, but it's FINE that they only have it in Flame Red. But her daddy will be calling in the morning.

Drunk

2011-06-11T21:07:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I think I'm more selective about the product I put in my hair than the penis's I put in my mouth.

Test

2011-03-13T13:06:00.001-04:00

Test

Things I have had to apologize for lately--Volume 1

2011-03-07T09:40:00.005-05:00

I'm sorry that I sighed a little when you told me you had the change for 88 cents and you started to count it out in pennies.

I'm so sorry YOU brought up the wrong item that isn't the one on sale. It's not like there are fucking sale signs or anything.

I'm sorry you are don't understand the concept of shutting the fuck up and PAY ATTENTION TO THE CUSTOMER IN FRONT OF YOU, but I am your new boss so you can suck it.

I'm sorry that I made you wait in your turn in line when you tried to cut and I saw and said SHE WAS NEXT. That was "extremely rude" of me.

I'm sorry that you passed along a customer service issue to me and when you criticized how I handled it I informed you if you pass shit on to me you don't have a say in what I do.

I'm sorry that same issue you passed along to me that you couldn't handle while the woman was screaming took me ten minutes to handle and we were laughing hysterically by the end of it and she was totally happy. That must be the part you don't agree with.

I'm sorry you are so offended that we had to verify who you were before we let you take home your medication. We totally suck.

I'm sorry that I can't give you anymore information about the $10 prepaid cell phone you are AGONIZING over whether or not to buy, but really, it's been like 45 minutes.

I am sorry I don't share the same hatred with you about THE MAN WHO HIRED ME, but trust me, there are plenty of other people I hate. Like you.

I'm sorry you are so smart and so intelligent that the only way you can make yourself feel like that is to try and make me feel like you are smarter and more intelligent than me.

I'm sorry you will never be successful at that.

Test

2011-03-06T14:52:00.001-05:00

Test

2011-03-06T14:49:00.001-05:00

Test

Reasons I hate my roommate, in no particular order

2011-03-06T13:35:00.003-05:00

He never does his dishes right away.

He sneaks a load of laundry in whenever someone else is doing theirs.

He takes other peoples laundry out of the washer to put his in, then leaves for the weekend.

(I'm he does this in the hope that someone else will finish it for him.)

He has bought toilet paper and paper towels exactly ONCE since he moved in 9 months ago.

He has not cleaned the bathroom, common area, or kitchen floor since he moved in.

Whenever the other roommates or I make dinner we always offer some to everyone. Whenever HE makes dinner, he NEVER offers anyone anything.

He has a female "friend" that he's "hanging out with" and she comes over late and they get rip-roaring drunk and are loud all freaking night.

He and his "friend" take a shower together in the morning. BEFORE everyone else uses it.

He comes home tired from work and takes up the whole freaking living room.

He has the most amazing dog in the world that I am convinced is my soulmate and he is so jealous that he takes the dog with him to grocery store, so not to leave the dog with me.

He has no problem expecting me to let the dog out to do his business in the freezing winter but when the dog snuggles on the couch with me he looks at me with such hate I recoil.

He YELLS at the dog, calling him a fucking idiot, because the dog doesn't want to be around his angry energy.

His room smells bad.

I hate his face.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T20:26:00.003-05:00

It was so amazing to have lines of men stretched out into the aisles in front of every register clutching cards and boxes of chocolates and teddy bears to prove to their women that they DID NOT FORGET VALENTINE'S DAY.

My new blog address

2010-07-14T20:51:00.001-04:00

sweetlikeantifreeze.tumblr.com

It might be temporary, but I have been pressured into joining tumblr, if only to have more people see the things I write. I'm not really sure how I feel about it yet.

2010-05-20T16:14:00.001-04:00

Here On Earth by Alice Hoffman is my favorite book. I read it every October and it moves me every single time.

The Ex-Files

2010-02-16T16:36:00.004-05:00

Setting: Drunken hookup in partial stages of undress and gropage.

Him: I just love your big fat ass.
Me: (Pausing)
Him: (Staring in wide-eyed horror) Wait...oh God..Wait. I didn't mean that the way it came out.
Me: That's OK. I get it.
Him: Really?
Me: Yeah. It's like how I really love how easy it is to get my hand around your cock.

2010-02-15T19:33:00.002-05:00

Me: I have an idea.
Dave: I'm on board.
Me: You don't know what it is yet.
Dave: Doesn't matter.
Me: It involves you, a tube of toothpaste, and a strap-on.
Dave: Still on board.

An almost full 6 months later

2010-02-11T19:56:00.002-05:00

Sooo...It's been 6 months and this is actually my 100Th post so I thought I'd recap for everyone where I am since the last one.

I didn't tape up the dining room to paint the trim. I bought carpet cleaner but that furniture was too far gone to be saved. I did move the dining room table in from the porch and even bought it a pretty tablecloth. I have NOT taken the tape off the walls in my bedroom. In fact, I think it adds to the charm. (And I can't reach it anyway.) I have given up on the kitchen furniture ever flowing properly until I get new furniture and THAT'S not gonna happen. I don't think I went next door and watched TV either.

That's about where I am.

My options for fun tonight, my God, they are ENDLESS

2009-08-25T17:21:00.003-04:00

When I leave work tonight I have a number of appealing options and can't just decided what to do:

Tape walls in dining room so I can paint the trim since I finally finished painting the walls Sunday.
Buy carpet/upholstery cleaner on the way home so I can clean the furniture on my porch so I can enjoy it already.
Move the dining room table from the porch to the dining room.
Take the painters tape off the walls in my bedroom. (Pathetic since that room has been painted for MONTHS now and is the only room that I hang out in so it really should be done by now since I stare at it everyday.)
Rearrange the kitchen, AGAIN.

What I will more than likely do when I get out of work:

Go next door and watch TV with Bert.

Should I Travel To Tyngsboro Everytime?

2009-08-13T12:01:00.000-04:00

I always wonder why the girl at Pearl Vision gives me such a hard time when I go to get my glasses adjusted? She without fail will say something along the lines of 'Oh, did you BUY these here?' And I say no, at the Pearl Vision in Tyngsboro. Or she'll ask 'Why EXCATLY do you need these adjusted?' I'll take them off and show how the arms wiggly violently from side to side. Then she'll do a full body sigh and make click, click, click something in the computer. The guy that adjusts them for me never says anything other than 'Sure.' I'm not angry about it. (surprisingly enough) I guess I just really wonder why she takes it so personally and seems REALLY put out. Especially since she was the one that brought around the flyer that says: Come in for free eyeglass adjustments! I mean, I did buy them at Pearl Vision, even if it wasn't that specific one. I know how annoying it feels when someone
buys something at one store and then returns it at yours, but there was a flyer! For adjustments! For everyone! And if the adjustments are free for everyone then what's the big deal? It's not like I go in and hog up her time. I work in the same mall so if they are busy, I'll go back later. I'm (obviously) sensitive to how people act rudely and without consideration when they come into my store so I try to keep my own behavior in check. I just can't figure out what I'm doing that is so offensive?

Strange.

Listen HONEY

2009-07-25T10:54:00.001-04:00

You might think being 80 years old entitles you say 'Listen HONEY' like a pimp might say 'Listen HO' to a HO that owes him his cut, but I am here to tell you right now I will kick that walker right out from underneath you.

Dear American Express Gift Card Customer Service Guy

2009-07-01T16:08:00.002-04:00

Please don't tell me to call back in "approximately one half hour because systems are down and can not access any information at this time" and then in the next breath ask if there is anything else you can help me with.

When my only response is "OH! I'm sorry!!! WAS there actually something you can help me with???" You should consider yourself really fucking lucky I'm at work.

Another work post

2009-06-20T10:30:00.003-04:00

The customer says that she bought some of our classic tees that we always carry and that she was really disappointed that they shrunk in the wash so she was hesitant to buy any more. I agreed that was odd because they shouldn't shrink and that was odd and if she bought new ones she should be fine because them shrinking was ODD.

Then I felt the need to add, "Well, they won't shrink as long as you don't wash them in boiling hot water and set the dryer SUPER HIGH. Can you believe some people do that and are surprised when they shrink?" Which, by the look on her face, was exactly what she did.

Mystery? Solved.

The post where I have not posted for months and when I do it's a rant about work

2009-06-19T15:09:00.006-04:00

Sometimes I feel the need to validate decisions I make at work. Like the woman that almost teared up in anger and complete disbelief when the shirt she tried to return with no receipt that was $10 less than what she CLAIMS she paid for it. People always claim they paid more than the sale price that comes up and are consistently proven wrong when they "find" their receipt later. Usually, to be offered up with an explanation that "Oh, I guess I was thinking about another shirt!" Except for that one magical time I pulled up a customers account because she was SO that type of bitch that would call and write letters until she got her way and she had actually paid LESS than what the computer pulled up as the lowest price and then I remembered why I actually looked up her account. She WAS that bitch that pitched a fit to use a coupon with a sale item EVEN THOUGH THE COUPON CLEARLY STATED THAT IT COULD NOT BE USED WITH A SALE ITEM. It was one of the most satisfying moments in my working life to inform her bitchy face that SHE WAS RIGHT! She DIDN'T PAY $19.98! SHE PAID $9.98! SO SUCK ON IT! BET YOU WISH YOU HAD TAKEN THE $19.98 NOW DIDN'T YA???

This is standard practice in retail, especially in clothing retail so I never really understand where the shock and surprise comes from. This woman doesn't really argue so much as she just stands there looking out into the mall and utters over and over again that she can't believe that I won't return it for what she (CLAIMS SHE) paid.

Much to her and most of my customers dismay, I am not stirred by the emotional breakdowns that people have in my store caused by their own stupidity. (Other examples include the over 60 day returns where I am supposed to 'make an exception' for the very compelling reason that they want me to. Or, I accidentally washed this with bleach so I want to exchange it for another one.) My usual tactic is to remain calm, almost stoic, as they make their plea, or get angry and make threats. Because after 10 years? It's really the best thing you can do. I still get emotionally charged after they leave, but I have found that getting angry and defensive along with them really gives them that much more ammunition if they try to go further up the ladder to do a return. The time that I lept over the counter when a customer called me a cunt and the other time when a mother turned to her daughter after speaking to me and said "can you say ignorant, honey?" and my response was "can you say BITCH, honey?" Both times the customers got their returns.

So as this woman is going on and on and providing me with imaginary evidence that she did pay full price (I say imaginary because her response when I said I would need a receipt to prove what she paid and she held out the tag to the the shirt that she was returning and said "I paid this price!" Um, not exactly what I was looking for. She then switched gears and went with the traditional rant of "This is my favorite store and I love this store and I come here all the time and I can't believe YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME." Because I think the real important part here is that she truly believes that I AM DOING THIS TO HER. I made the policy and if only someone else nicer came in, she would get her money back.

With a calm face and a calm voice I keep repeating sentences of the same variety. "If you think you paid more, you can certainly take you shirt back and look for your receipt." "Without your receipt, this is the price that you will refunded." She even busted out with "Well, is your return policy POSTED?" Yes, it certainly is. On the receipt. She finally caves and said that she has been looking and looking for the receipt for WEEKS and she just can't find it so she "will take the return but now that I know what kind of store this is, I WON'T BE BACK." Yeah, you are getting a store credit so good luck with that.

So she leaves and I'm here feeling all kinds of angry that people take out their shit on sales people when it's THEIR DUMB ASS FAULT they lost their receipt or didn't come back into the store in time to do their return. And I start to think that if I just gave people what they wanted and didn't argue with them maybe I wouldn't be as pent up and stressed out. Maybe it's not worth the argument? Maybe I shouldn't be self-righteous with my sense of what's right and wrong? What do I give a shit if the customer gets a free $10? Even though on a logical level I know that it's bad for business to let customers have free rein and if EVERYONE got a free $10 then it would add up to a huge loss, but after interactions like that I have to wonder if it's worth it for my mental stability.

So I'm starting to doubt how I run my store and my general sense of self and how I deal with things. I pull up the customers account and it takes all of one minute to right everything in my world. Because? Not only did that customer only purchase her top less than two weeks ago, but it was the ONLY purchase that she has made in the past 12 months. (Remember the "I come here all the time" line she fed me? Clearly she forgot to include the "I come here all the time but I never buy anything" part of her story.) And not only that, but she paid EXACTLY WHAT SHE GOT REFUNDED.

I win.

More fun at work!

2009-05-30T10:50:00.001-04:00

Did I tell you about the great incentive going on? The District Managers are having a contest and the winner gets to go on a trip. Now, it's obviously based on store performance but there is no reward for the people at the actual store level. So what's the motivation we are receiving from our DM? 'Do better so I can go on this trip!' Does anyone else see a problem with that???

I don't mean any offense...

2009-04-04T15:28:00.003-04:00

Was just told by co-worker that one of the sweet little old ladies that works for me is freaked out by how much I swear. And that she thinks I am a lovely girl but the language that I use can make her so uncomfortable.

My response? "So you are saying that when she comes in I should drop the most foul-mouthed disgusting language you ever heard?"

Co-worker, "Where in your twisted mind did you loop around to that?"

What?

Therapy

2009-03-31T15:22:00.001-04:00

Do you think it's detrimental to my therapy if during a painful session where I am having a hard time and my therapist confides that he cries a lot and I yell 'Well you're a freaking pansy! Maybe you should work on reigning that shit in!'

Musings

2009-03-28T15:47:00.000-04:00

Going on and on and on that a sweater would be perfect if it didn't have a hood for half an hour is the perfect way to get my to scream, "Well I can't make it without the fucking hood so MOVE ON!'

FAIL

2009-03-27T17:23:00.001-04:00

The dryer in my building sucks. I have mentioned this before. In order to avoid taking a hostage after I've paid a fucking machine to dry my clothes and IT DOESN'T, I usually go to the laundry mat. Sometimes you just need a quick load though, am I right? So I will use the washing machine but hang dry my clothes. I will usually end up hanging my clothes all around my apt and when I walk in from work I am always momentarily stunned by the fact that 2 pairs of pants can cover my whole fucking window.

To Tweet? Or not to Tweet?

2009-03-16T20:41:00.004-04:00

While a Gatecitytwittermeetup (my first ever), there was a discussion about how people are concerned that their professional lives could be compromised if their online identity was found by people that they work with. Or better yet, are currently followed by people that they work with, and the repercussions that could follow. There is that danger, that you could be placed in an uncomfortable position when either your supervisor or employee may read something you posted. Maybe it's about them? Or just a different side that you don't show to people that you work with. Could it compromise your integrity?

I really started to think about it because I thought about my own behavior at the party. I acted truly like myself. I didn't censor, rethink, or over analyze. I just was. And I had more fun at that party with people I had never met. Which is a very different feeling for me. I was so nervous that they wouldn't like me. But I made the decision to go and to be myself and you know what? It was amazing. Truly, people that I had never met me before, welcomed me into their home,talked, laughed, and ENJOYED my company (seemed to anyway:). With no ulterior motive. These people are just people that are putting out real thoughts and ideas and being creative and funny and frustrated and baring emotions on a level that I couldn't even imagine doing 6 months ago. And I love it. I love that Twitter and my blog are places that I can just be me. And I read in so many places from so many people that we can be so terrified to write things that our families or friends might see. (I said the same thing about Facebook when I found out my friend's mom is now my friend) But why is that? Doesn't anyone think it's odd that we would hide our true feelings from the people that we know the most? Should the things we are writing be a complete shock to those we spend most of our time with? Or have we all been conditioned that there is a certain way to behave and that the only place that we have the freedom to be ourselves is the Internet? And that we want to keep THOSE people separate from THESE people. I am no stranger to this feeling.

I have spent the past 26 years of my life trying to fit into a mold to please other people. And I was miserable. The real me would make guest appearances; blurting out inappropriate things and LOUDLY voicing my opinion, but would then get shamed into getting back in line. Well... FUCK THAT. I realized the people that needed me to fit into a certain mold are no longer in my life. And the biggest person that I gave up? My mom. And people have strong opinions about mothers and daughters and forgiveness and what not, and there was the fear that I shouldn't write about the issues and current state of affaris with my mother. But that wouldn't be honest. The way I gave my mother up? Wasn't even really me giving her up. She gave me up. BOOM. DONE. She's damaging, always has been. I was myself. I stood up for myself and did what I needed to do to take care of me. And my mother? The person that is supposed to be there through thick and thin? Through hell and high water? Dumped me. Told me that she doesn't want to see me. Because I wouldn't do exactly as she told. It is obviously more complicated than that, but the point is, my mother, told me that she doesn't want to see me anymore for not falling in line. And you know what? I've made peace with that.

Bottom line is that (and this might sound VERY strange) I have finally found a way to be. It took going to this one little meet up party to get over the hump of "Oh my god, I have made a mistake. I must reform to the mold!" to the much more pleasant side of "I TOTALLY made the right decision to be me." It took taking a chance, going to a party where I was going to know NO ONE. I had talked to one person through Twitter direct message. But I went. Because I knew the things that I posted were ME and that if someone was going to invite me because they liked the things I wrote, then that was the greatest thing ever. Because really? There were no expectations. They hadn't met me through work and were then shocked when we went out that I can drink too much and laugh too loud and TALK. A LOT. And you know what? I had FUN. It was weird to talk about the next day because the reaction from people I know that I went to a party with people I met "online" and had never met to them was, well...unbelievable. And maybe that's something that I need to change.

I can completely appreciate wanting to keep personal and professional separate. I set up my friend's blog for him under a new email address so that he wouldn't ever have to worry about work finding it. I think that everyone needs to make it work for them Some people have careers and families and credibility that could be affected by the things they write online. All I know is what works for me right now is to write this website and my tweets like no one reads them but me.

This is my life

2009-03-16T14:00:00.004-04:00

This is just an example of a conversation that I have everyday with one customer or another.

Me: Hello, how ar....
Customer: Just Looking!
Me: I was just saying hi
Customer: Just Looking!
Me: Ok then.

Ten Minutes Later-

Me: Still just looking?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Ok, all tops are 25% off.
Customer: Wait what? ALL the tops?
Me: Yes.
Customer: So this top here? Is 25% off?
Me: Yes.
Customer: So this top that's marked down? Is 25% off?
Me: Yes.
Customer: Really?
Me: YES.
Customer: Off the markdown price?
Me: YES!
Customer: I still don't like it.
Me: Fuck you then.

Ok, I really don't say fuck you. But man, oh man, I wish I could.

Climbing up on the roof. Yo.

2009-03-15T22:18:00.004-04:00

I was attempting to clean my apartment on a beautiful day. I have four windows in my studio apartment. Soooo, I decided to climb onto the roof. To see the view. And to take a picture. And to be able to say that I did something other than go to Carissa's to watch Big Love.

Irrational? I think not...

2009-03-11T15:39:00.004-04:00

I am paranoid about break-ins. Not like a push-in or someone crow barring my door because I live in a relatively safe building. (Relatively because of the neighborhood. And everyone in my building is super-nice. And I could totally take any of them if they attempted to break in.) No, I am afraid that someone is going to climb up my fire escape and go through my bathroom window. Which is why I close my bathroom door at night and place a pot on the concrete floor in front of said door. To alert me if I happen to sleep through someone bashing the glass or when lifting the 200lb window that shrieks if I so much THINK about opening it. My neighbor suggesting (mockingly I might add) that I put little old lady figurines on the windowsill that will fall when the window is forced open. Gotta tell ya, I thought it was a great idea.

So that doesn't seem too bad, right? Because people CAN climb up fire escapes and break windows? The real paranoia comes in when I am afraid to sleep with the window on the opposite side of the apartment open. Because someone could get in. If they put a 20 foot ladder against my window. Which would clearly not draw any attention. Or wake me.

I do realize how it may sound to people who are not afraid of break-in. When speaking to a trained professional about my paranoia, his first question was, "Well, how is anyone going to get up there?" My response? "EVER HEAR OF LADDERS????" Obviously not the calmest response ever. And then he breaks out the portable keyboard and starts adding NOTES. Which always leads to a DISCUSSION. So I felt the need to cut this topic off at the knees.

"Yeah, it's not so bad when there's snow on the ground. Not really worried bout the ladder then. It would slide around on all that ice. But come Spring when I want to have the windows open you'll laugh if you drive by and see me hanging out the window, apply Crisco to the ledge under my window."

He laughs and I laugh, while I make a mental note to stock up on Crisco next time I'm at the grocery store.

I can't help it

2009-02-10T14:44:00.001-05:00

If you are seriously going to walk up to me and say 'How much is this (item)? There is a bunch hanging up under the $9.99 sign.' Can I really be blamed for firing back with 'Well gosh! I don't know! I think it might be $9.99!'
And if you try it on and throw it on the counter unzipped and unbuttoned, looking like something you left on the bathroom floor? I am not zipping or buttoning it for you.

Offensive? Or Just Funny?

2009-02-08T18:29:00.003-05:00

This may be offensive to some people, but really it just goes to show you how I just really don't have a brain-to-mouth filter going on.

Setting: Pulling into the Target parking lot. Carissa is driving. We are commenting on how we have been in the same spot for a few minutes because of the circus otherwise known as "people just can't handle backing out of their parking spots." Then when the way is finally clear, two people walk in front of us. But they are doing that sideways long-ass cut across the parking lot in a diagonal fashion that takes even longer. The one man is walking pretty fast away from the other man, who appears to be dragging his feet and eating popcorn and obviously distracted by the headlights. I then see that he is "challenged" and muse out loud, "Wow, that man is really not keeping an eye on his retard. He is totally not looking where he is going."

Musings

2009-02-01T14:19:00.003-05:00

I wonder if when you decide to move to an artsy town someone sits you down and instructs you on how to be a complete pompous douchebag?

Musings

2009-01-30T23:02:00.000-05:00

I wonder if people drive a certain way intending to cause accidents? Like the morons that shoot halfway into the lane I'm driving in and then stop. And the roads are icey so I have to slam on my breaks and they are looking at me while they are stopped? And stare? Like they aren't blocking the lane? And just when I come to a complete stop, they take off.

The thing is? If they just went? I wouldn't be worried that I was about to die. EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY HOUSE.

Bad Boss

2009-01-30T20:57:00.003-05:00

LaVonda was just sitting there minding her own business and said, "I have to go to the bathroom."

And I screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE I JUST CLEANED IT!!!!!!"

Maybe I am not the level-headed boss I think I am?

Musing

2009-01-30T17:19:00.001-05:00

I don't feel I should have to be nice to a woman (after I have explained 8 times that she is in a plus size womens clothing store and that's why the clothes don't fit her)and she continues to try on clothes, and asking for my opinion.

Lady? They are too Fucking Big. Get out.

Dear Laundry Mat employee

2009-01-29T19:21:00.000-05:00

Your full body sigh does not deter from the fact that the washing machine I put my clothes in does not have any water flowing in it. The faster you move, the faster I will stop yelling.

Dear Walmart cashier

2009-01-29T19:15:00.000-05:00

Thank you for being so put out when I ask for my bag of merchandise THAT I JUST PURCHASED. It must have been really hard to spin that Lazy Susan your bags are on instead of just HANDING ME my candle.

Check out new earrings

2009-01-26T10:19:00.000-05:00

My new earrings that go with my awesome new hair.

Musings

2009-01-26T10:02:00.007-05:00

Would it be wrong to tape a note to the dryer that says:

"Thank you to whoever took my damp clothes out of the dryer and folded them. And put them on top of the disgusting washing machine. And an extra-special thank you for paying particular attention to my underwear and laying each one of them out so smoothly. I now have to rewash EVERYTHING.

Love,
Michelle"

Do you think that would alienate my neighbors?

Thud!

2009-01-23T17:28:00.001-05:00

Imagine Carissa walking, talking, and gesturing wildly with her hands and right as she yells the word 'Blow Job' walks smack dab into the wall.

Dear customers

2009-01-23T12:43:00.001-05:00

I am trying to get some very important thoughts into my journal. Please stop bothering me.

Musing

2009-01-22T13:55:00.000-05:00

I am thinking that if you are so fucking scared that someone is going to steal your credit card number (so much so that actually voice your concern to the person ringing you up) that you should probably pay cash.

Just a thought.

Bad Boss

2009-01-22T10:06:00.003-05:00

One day Julie, Bill, and I were sitting around at work wishing that we had coffee. There was certainly enough of us there that one of us could have gone and gotten it. BUT, we were lazy and Carissa was supposed to be in to work at 2:30 and it was already 1:45. I wanted coffee sooner than that so I picked up the phone and called Carissa and asked why she wasn't already at work? She said she wasn't in until 2:30. I said, no, that's tomorrow, today was 1:30.

The intake of breath she took practically sucked me through the phone. She frantically promised that she was on her way and oh-so-sorry, she really thought it was today. And when she was good and panicked, I said, "Oh Carissa? You really were scheduled at 2:30. But since you're all worked up and ready to go, could you come in now anyway? And stop and get us coffee on the way in?"

Dear old lady at CVS

2009-01-21T15:17:00.001-05:00

Who the fuck writes a check at CVS?

Musings

2009-01-21T14:11:00.001-05:00

How do you know when your therapist is flirting with you?

Dear Subaru Driver

2009-01-20T22:19:00.002-05:00

Dear Subaru Driver,

Perhaps if you weren't driving like such a pansy, people would stop cutting you off.

I really feel your hand gestures are unwarranted.

THAT Day

2009-01-20T22:10:00.005-05:00

Phone rings. It's Carissa. (It really could have only been her or D.)

Carissa: "So, yeah, I'm kinda tired. Can we watch a movie tomorrow?"

Me: "Well, my jewelry didn't come today either so this day might as well be a wash."

Carissa: "Oh my god! Yeah! You fell in the snow and almost broke your back, our boss came in unexpectedly and fought with you, you missed the inauguration, you said your therapy appointment felt like a waste of time and the room smelled bad. AND your jewelry didn't come. This was a REALLY sucky day for you, huh?" (Her high pitched giggling inserted here please) (and that is no offense to her, my laugh can feel like a board to a face if I find something really funny)

Me: "I have to go, when you replay it for me like that, I feel the need to off myself."

Carissa: "Maybe your jewelry will come tomorrow."

Survey SAYS.....

2009-01-20T21:14:00.005-05:00

Jonathan Eunice @ http://twitter.com/jonathaneunice tagged me to answer 40 (39?) one word answers. I think this will be difficult because my humor is in the rambling. Well, here goes!

1. Where is your cell phone? Bed
2. Your significant other? Sigh....
3. Your hair? Espresso
4. Your mother? Damaging
5. Your father? Absent
6. Your favorite thing? Camera
7. Your dream last night? Vivid
8. Your favorite drink? Margarita
9. Your dream/goal? Self-employment
10. What room you are in? Studio
11. Your hobby? Photography
12. Your fear? Abandonment
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Better
14. Where were you last night? Gym
16. Muffins? LemonPoppyseed
17. Wish list item? Rebel
18. Where you grew up? Fort Lauderdale
19. Last thing you did? Photos
20. What are you wearing? Sweater
21. Your TV? None
22. Your pets? None
23. Friends? Exhausting
24. Your life? Improving
25. Your mood? Introspective
26. Missing someone? Yes
27. Car? Hybrid
28. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
29. Your favorite store? Target
30. Your summer? Beach
31. Like someone? Yes
32. Your favorite color? None
33. When is the last time you laughed? Today
34. Last time you cried? Dec 19Th
35. Who will resend this? @cagarcia85
36. One place that I go to over and over? Home
37. One person who emails me regularly? Bill
38. My favorite place to eat? Kitchen
39. Why you participated in this survey? jonathaneunice
40. What are you doing tonight? Blogging

Gah! I think my answers would have been much better had I been allowed to elaborate.

Peace Corps?

2009-01-18T18:27:00.003-05:00

I am sitting at Carissa's house having a conversation with her father about how I have tried to learn Spanish several times but have not been successful. He suggests that if I have "free time" I should take a few years and join the Peace Corps and go to a third world country, where I would be forced to learn.

My immediate response?

"See, the thing is.......I don't like to be dirty."

Ken Macy

2009-01-17T01:08:00.001-05:00

At Hooligans in Fitchburg listening to Ken Macy. Buy his CD's immediately, if not sooner. AMAZING.

My Crazy Friend D

2009-01-14T14:06:00.004-05:00

I inform D that I am going to get my hair dyed for the 3rd time in as many days. (Another post about that trauma later) D informs me that he got summoned for jury duty. D, being the punk that he is, says that he would LOVE to get on a jury. I tell him that I have to go. Below details how D's twisted little mind works when he is left to think about the havoc he could wreak on a courtroom. (All in text message form, from D to me) Please note the time in between each text, indicating that D got NO WORK DONE while at work.
Update: If you know D at all, you really have to get the mental image of him in the actual courtroom, and how this is all entirely possible.

9:53:45 am: Would juror #5 please stop laughing at testimony.

9:54:29 am: Would juror #5 please stop getting drunk at lunch.

9:59:07 am: Juror #5 "Kiss my ass"

9:59:23 am: Would juror #5 please put his pants back on.

10:06:55 am: "Juror #5, the point of the testimony isn't to get you off. Please stop stroking your big beautiful cock."

10:13:59 am: "Juror #5, your duties stop at deciding guilt or innocence. Please stop trying to electrocute defendant."

10:24:33 am: "Would juror #5 please stop staring at EVERYONE'S tits"

10:28:35 am: "Juror #5, please stop whistling Jimmy Crack Corn and at least pretend to be paying attention."

10:30:58 am: Juror #5? Has anyone seen juror #5?

10:33:28 am: "Juror #5, please refrain from humping lady liberty moving forward. She's blind for fuck's sake!"

10:36:46 am: "Juror #5, really? No one else brought their dog with them. And your dog is humping lady liberty."

10:43:25 am: Juror#5 "GUILTY!" Judge, "The question was, what do you want for lunch?"

10:45:43 am: "Juror #5, that's a jury box, not a litter box. Please stop pissing in there."

10:49:23 am: "Juror#5, if you had disclosed your mental retardation at the beginning of this trial you would have been excused."

10:50:48 am: "Juror#5 it's been brought to my attention that you're disagreeing with other jurors just to amuse yourself. That's just wrong."

10:54:04 am: "Juror #5, "whore" and "dumb bitch" are NOT appropriate ways to address the defense attorney."

10:55:46 am: "CROTCHBUTTER does not constitute a verdict. In fact I'm not certain it's a real word."

10:59:06 am: "To answer your question #5: NO we aren't there yet and asking every 5 minutes doesn't help.

11:03:00 am: "#5, an innocent verdict does not guarantee you a date with the stripper/defendant.

11:04:46 am: "#5, are you really eating popcorn while listening to a rape testimony?"

11:05:36 am: "That does help to explain the butter on the front of your pants."

11:08:16 am: "Stabbing yourself in the eye with a spoon isn't going to speed things along either, #5."

11:09:48 am: Judge: "Are you drunk again?" Juror #5: "No, still."

11:14:56 am: "#5 that is in fact not an appropriate gesture. Thanks for asking."

11:18:46 am: "#5, this is a legal forum, not a Penthouse forum. Please remove the prostitute from your lap."

11:24:03 am: "#5, the other jurors have requested I give you gas-x and to inform you that bodily functions are NOT funny despite what you think."

11:33:34 am: "#5, playing keep away with the bailiff's gun is an acceptable way to pass time."

11:36:51 am: "#5, humming the theme song from Night Court isn't as helpful as you think."

11:43:49 am: "#5, HUNG jury is not what you think it is!"

11:50:03 am: Judge, "Chanting #5 is #1 is not true or funny."

Not even 5 minutes ago

2009-01-10T11:16:00.002-05:00

Me: Good Morning.

Customer: Whatever. I have a return.

The Loofah Story

2009-01-07T13:01:00.003-05:00

So I used to live with 2 guys. They were both friends that I had known for over 7 years, and yes, I slept with both of them. Just throwing that out there. That we already had, so when I moved in, there was no mystery, no sexual intrigue causing us to flirt with each other. It's weird to say like 'brother and sister' because the brothers and sisters I know don't do that. At least, not that they are admitting to. But bottom line was, it wasn't weird in a sexual way. It was awful in that they were both DISGUSTING guys and I am a clean girl. I can stand messy just not dirty. And my friends were DIRTY. Food could be left on the coffee table for days, the trash seemed to live in a constant state of overflow, and this is where I talk about the shower.

***Side Note: My friend inherited this house from his grandmother and he was married for a short time. When he got divorced, my other friend and I moved in. We paid rent (and I to this day thought that was BULLSHIT since he owned the house outright but I needed a place to live) and the rent money was supposed to go towards the restoration of the house. The grandmother hadn't updated the house for over 50 years. So the bathroom was pretty gross. Added to this was the fact that Friend that owned the house and Friend's father had ripped the molding around the window off one day to replace it...only the never got around to the replacing part. So, yick.****

So the plumbing in the shower was all kinds of messed up. Like the water would immediately start to build up when you stepped into shower and sllooowwwllly drain as you were in there. Which always left a nice ring of scum around the bathtub. Being the freak that I am, I eventually got it down to a routine. After I showered and would be blow drying my hair, the tub would drain, and I could then use a small stream of water to rinse sides and then a paper towel to clean up any excess. This is important because it showed how much thought I put into the boys not having to step into whatever was washed off my body when they stepped into the shower. Naturally, they could not show this consideration to me. Every time I would open the shower curtain there would be a scream of disgust at HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THE BATHROOM THIS WAY MY GOD! And I would pull one of them out of bed to clean the shower (apparently that made a bitch?) So I finally got to the point where I wouldn't clean the shower after I showered, which really showed no one because they didn't care what they stepped in.

So my solution is to wear flip flops. In my own shower. And Friend that owned the house's ex-wife had left behind a loofah. And they had been divorced for several months at this point and the loofah was still in the shower. I figured he was either lazy or having a really hard time letting go in a creepy way. But I would step into that dirty shower every morning with my flip flops and drop that dirty loofah into that dirty tub and rub it around the drain to loosen up the scum and then rinse it out. I would replace loofah and move on. Well, over the next few weeks, Friend's schedule changed so that we were both getting ready for work at the same time. I would shower and then he would shower while I was getting ready (hair drying, makeup, etc) And one day he got into the shower and I returned to the bathroom. He then poked his head out from behind the curtain and sang "Someones been using my loofah!"

Road Rage

2009-01-07T12:00:00.005-05:00

So people are generally annoying, yes? There are times when you are walking and someone who is walking in front of you just stops short and you PLOW into them because you were not aware that they were stopped? And then they look at you like YOU are the asshole for crashing into them when they are the ones that stopped short? And you want to be like "hey pal, take a pill or something, that was your fault?" Most of the time I just come back to work or home and share my stories of "oh my god you will not BELIEVE what just happened to me!" and it's funny.

BUT!

There are times when people's stupidity can actually put me in jeopardy. And those are those times I see red and you do not want to be on the receiving end of my RED.

The day before, I was driving to an appointment with the guy that helps me work out all my crazy. I see there is an ambulance and I pull over. There is a car right behind it flying along the very icy roads and I don't think too much of it. Maybe "Oh, that's sad." because I've ridden behind ambulances before and it's not fun. But apparently this guy was just a dick in a hurry to get to the grocery store. As I started to drive off he was still booking ahead behind ambulance. When out of nowhere! He slams on his breaks. And stops his car. In the middle of the road. I have anti-lock brakes so whenever I slam on my brakes it feels like the car is just going to shatter into a million pieces. So I come within an inch of his bumper (remember! road is icy!) and I had been laying on my horn to be all "Excuse me sir, do you not see my car barreling towards you? could you maybe move over 3 inches?" And when my car finally does stop, this piece o shit turns in his seat and is looking at me like "stupid bitch driver" what with his hands waiving and yelling and his face contorted in a mask of rage.

And all I can think is "really? you think YOU'RE MAD?" Now I look like a normal person, but both my psychologist and I know that isn't true. When I get mad like THIS the guy retelling the story later will be like "Satan came to life in the form of a girl in a cardigan sweater, and she kicked me until she was sure I would need a kidney transplant."

Sorry bout the delay....

2009-01-07T11:50:00.002-05:00

So the holidays have left me.....spent. All the things that I normally could see the humor in were replaced with a black cloud that just left me feeling more bitter by the day. The meaner people were, the more I took it personally, even though from 10 years in retail I know I shouldn't. So instead of writing about it, I bottled it up, slept a lot, and was very hard to be around what with all the swearing and general grumpy disposition. I was not looking forward to the holiday party I got roped into having at my small studio apartment, but I sucked it up and had people over. And you know? It was fun. I drank too much and laughed a lot. I am lucky to say that I like 90% of the people I work with and it was nice to have them over.

My friend C mentioned that I have not updated my blog, and since she and D are the only ones that read it, I guess if they noticed I should pick it up again. But feeling uninspired? How do you battle that? Or feeling whatever you post isn't good enough because what if people do start reading it? And they think it sucks? What then? I know that a blog is really a place for you to write out your thoughts and it's YOURS, but I don't know. There are tons of drafts started, maybe I'll revisit those and try to get some funny stuff up before C's brain pops out of her head.

Help!

2008-12-27T20:46:00.001-05:00

Christmas Party. Tomorrow. At My House.

Can't. Stop. Panicking.

Creepy Christmas

2008-12-27T11:52:00.003-05:00

My landlord slipped a handwritten card under my door. I find this strange. I was wondering if I was the only one that got one. So I may have gone over to my neighbor's door who I know was out of town for the holidays and slipped a letter opener around to see if he has one waiting.

Didn't feel one.

So is this normal? I really want to say no. My friend C said a generic happy holidays! card would have been appropriate but this was just plain weird. I hope I don't have to move.

Now THAT'S a Christmas present!

2008-12-24T08:12:00.000-05:00

Sitting on the bridge in Fitchburg

2008-12-23T14:30:00.001-05:00

Wasteful

2008-12-18T15:12:00.001-05:00

Sitting in traffic trying to get back to work and I'm pretty sure (judging by the smell) the guy in the SUV just threw a lit joint out the window. Doesn't he know we are in the middle of an economic crisis? DO NOT WASTE YOUR POT.

I'd have to delete all the things I wrote about you

2008-12-17T12:43:00.004-05:00

My psychologist at the end of my session yesterday: You seemed really tense today. (*It's not that he's terribly perceptive, I was screaming throughout my entire hour) Have you ever tried writing out a letter to let someone know how you feel? Except you don't send it?

Me: Yeah.....except if you're going through all that effort I think you should send it.

Him: That's really not the point.

Me: I'm just saying. I've written things on my blog that make me feel kinda better but...

Him: Oh, you have a blog?

Me: Oh SWEET CHRIST don't look for it.

Him: Why not?

Me: I'd have to delete all the things I wrote about you.

Fitchburg, MA

2008-12-16T19:39:00.003-05:00

So some more pics of my neighborhood. This was later in the day of the ice storm and it was pretty cold. This is the side street that I walk down to get to Main St.

This is the front of this little area. No dogs allowed in here though.

You could still see the ice on the trees in the far off distance.

This is a memorial for WWI and it's the middle of the tiny common on Main St.

This is the old armory which is now the senior center. Where we ran into C's parents taking her grandmother because no one had any power. After we came back from a walk there was a bus load of seniors being jammed into the center and onto cots.

Oh the holly jolly season

2008-12-14T16:12:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting at a Panara Bread using their Internet to try and get my homework done. But everyone else here is using the Internet so it's very sllloooowww and that just won't do. Also, my computer wasn't really charged and ALL the outlets are occupied. And since the staff at Panara are too busy feeling each other up to enforce the whole "if someone is waiting for a table and you've been here more than 1/2 an hour please move" policy, I am not going to get anything done. Plus it's really hard to concentrate here. Not really because of the people because I put in my headphones to tune them out. But there is one disgruntled employee that has taken out his anger for having to work at Panara in the first place by SLAMMING the cabinet doors where the supplies are kept under the soda machine every time he has to open one. Which apparently is once every 30 seconds. And this isn't a normal SLAM! either. After the 3rd time the SLAM! made me leap out of my seat I looked at him the next time he walked by. Imagine someone bringing their arm back back behind their head and swinging it forward like they were about to bitch-slap the piece of shit that just ran over your dog. Or knocked up your woman. Or took the last mother-fucking straw and you have to refill the straw holder for the TENTH TIME TODAY!

SSSSSSSLLLLLLLAAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, he must feel really good about it but I am one more slam away from an anxiety attack. How am I the only one bothered by this? Where is his boss? Oh yeah, he has just come back from his 4th trip to Market Basket since I've been here to purchase bread for Panara BREADS sandwiches.

Two things:

1) Part of the allure of Panara is their delicious bread. So if they are running over to the grocery store to pay $1.50 for a loaf of bread that they will then slap on a $7 sandwich, it kinda feels like a jip. Like, if I wanted that shit bread I would just go home and take it out of my cabinet.

2) Massachusetts just went through an ICE STORM. Hundreds of thousands still don't have power and have to sustain themselves and their families on dry food (Like BREAD) until their power comes on and they can cook again. Doesn't it seem really shitty that a place that is capable of BAKING THEIR OWN BREAD is raping the grocery store out of all of their cheap bread? And then people who went to the grocery store for bread that they no longer have, now have to come over to Panara and pay $7 for some schmuck that slams cabinets to make them a sandwich on that shitty bread?

Ice Storm 12/12/2008

2008-12-13T19:02:00.007-05:00

First picture taken of ice storm.

On way into work. Not realizing 600,000 people had lost power because I hadn't.

Main St Fitchburg, MA (On my way home after getting to work and realizing mall was closed.)

Main St.

Not even Jesus was safe apparently.

Close up!

Tree on my street.

On my way to C's house to pick her up since she had no power.

Really?

There were places on the highways where the trees in the middle of the lanes with no cones or crews because they couldn't keep up with all the damage.

Holy Hannah, look at the amount of ice.

C's street. I am such a good friend for braving this to pick her up. Please notice the ice branches leaning on the power lines.

D

2008-12-11T16:43:00.000-05:00

I wish D would get off his llllaaaaazzzzzyyyyy butt and make me laugh already. Since (as he makes very clear) I am not as funny as he is. But you know what is funny? Turning away from the video chat for less than a minute and finding D jerking off when I come back.

Normal?

2008-12-11T16:28:00.003-05:00

I'm wondering if it's normal to spend an evening with a friend discussing the weird habits the psychologist you share has and despite that; the WEIRD dreams you have about him.

So Unimpressed

2008-12-10T08:48:00.001-05:00

With everything and everyone at this point.

Enough With the Fucking Bells Already

2008-12-08T14:50:00.004-05:00

It's not that I don't believe in giving to charity. If anything, I am more likely to donate time, money, or presents to a charity or deserving human being rather than to my ungrateful/selfish sister.

It's just that there is a Salvation Army bell ringer outside almost every store I frequent. I couldn't possibly put money in every single one of them. (Not that I'd really want to if we are being totally honest) But nothing really dampens my spirit like being glared at by a mother fucking Bellringer outside the grocery store. (Or Walmart. Or outside every mall entrance. Or inside the mall.)

They are glaring at me like I traipsing past them clutching my shopping bags screaming with delight over all the fantastic treats I just got myself. And how fucking happy I am that I don't have to share them with any stinky-needy families. And that they just watched me push a kid down in the parking lot and steal his puppy.

I just think that if I make eye contact with a Bellringer I should get a smile. An acknowledgement that yes, it is a hard time of year and if you can drop something in the bucket that would be great. But hey? If you can't? That's OK too. I should NOT get hateful glares and a louder, firmer shaking of the bell. Like I didn't fucking hear when I got out of my car. It takes away from what few happy feelings I have about the holiday season when I am served a side of guilt-trip. And that really makes me feel fucking festive.

If "festive" is another word for "rage".

Fat is Contagious You know

2008-12-05T14:13:00.000-05:00

I work in a plus-sized women's clothing store. I LOVE when "thin" women come in and make a big production about how they don't shop at this store. They are here shopping for someone else. Who is not them. Because they are not fat. (I say "thin" in parentheses because we start at a size 14. Which is not fat. And sometimes the women that come in are at least a 14, if not a 16, which is typically carried in stores that do not sell exclusively to plus size women) And I really, really, get off telling them, WELL YOU COULD SHOP HERE! And I see the panic spread across their face.

"No I couldn't! I'm just here shopping for my daughter-in-law! SHE'S the fat one!"

"I don't want your emails! I don't want to get emails from some FAT PEOPLE'S STORE!"

"WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING IF I WANT YOUR EMAILS???!!!! I DOOOOON'T!!!!!"

Why do I keep pushing you further and further over the ledge? I wish it was because I was teaching you a lesson. But really it's just because I can. And I am enjoying the show.

My New Apartment

2008-12-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

View From Doorway.

Vanity. Where Homework Will Be Done.

View from door of bathroom.

My SPECTACULAR shower curtain. For $16.99, it should be.

Upper view of sink and my shelves. Please notice legs in mirror since I had to stand on a stool to take this picture.

40 degrees and getting colder

2008-12-03T11:48:00.000-05:00

This is my grumpy-morning-nosleep-waiting-inthecar-for-my-goddamn-coffee-face. Isn't it pretty?

A hair dryer was found.

2008-12-03T08:36:00.000-05:00

All is right in my world. I am still covering it with a hat but it is oh-so-dry.

I'm in Connecticut

2008-12-02T23:04:00.000-05:00

I am in my best friend's childhood house in Connecticut trying to sleep over the sound of her and her mother screaming at each other in Spanish. We have to get up at 7am to go to her old college. I was informed that there is no hair dryer in the house. I am suddenly thinking that I might not enjoy my day in New York as much as I thought I would. SAD.

Operation Clean New Bathroom

2008-12-02T21:07:00.001-05:00

Or as D. said, Operation Bank Robber. I'm pretty sure the cops would be able to locate me by putting out an APB out on my forehead. Look at the size of that sucker. I think that's what they call a fivehead. Yeesh.

Van Gogh

2008-11-27T19:30:00.001-05:00

This is my favorite painting. I was lucky enough to see it when I went to New York. I am going again on Wednesday, two days after moving in the middle of the Christmas shopping season.
GO STRESS!

Thinking

2008-11-26T21:17:00.000-05:00

It's nice to have someone call you just to see if you are ok.

You know who you are and thank you. Really. Thank you.

Family Silence

2008-11-26T20:31:00.000-05:00

So here it is, the night before Thanksgiving, and my mother has just told me to get away from her. My relationship with my mother is too complicated to explain in one sitting, but there is this history of me giving everything that I can, and when I want to do something for myself, I am considered selfish. Which really begs the question....When does looking out for you best interest become "You are being selfish?" Are they really one in the same?

I think about this a lot. Because I get the insult 'selfish' hurled at me a lot by my mother. Usually when I am doing something that negatively affects her. If I have a laptop that I want to replace because it no longer functions as well as it should, I am selfish to spend money on that when she needs money. When I say that I am going to sell old laptop to make up difference for new laptop, now I am not to sell the laptop because she will use computer. I am going to move out because I am unhappy, and I am selfish for telling her I am going to sell MY laptop. You say that you spent all this time fixing the laptop, and I should not be selfish and think of YOU-which as a by product means that I am neglecting myself- doesn't that make you selfish? The very thing you are accusing me of being?

The problem with being introverted people is that you walk around a house that is FILLED with tension. Everyone is on edge and we go on talking about small things- "Have you talked to your sister? I made coffee. Let me tell you what happened at work today." - when brewing under the surface is everything that we don't say and when that seal is finally broken, it's been so long since you've said anything, that the things you are saying don't seem to relate.

I am not moving out because of a dog. I am moving out because of the way you told me that I could not have a dog. TOLD ME. Like I don't pay money to live here, like you haven't leaned on me in the past, like I am not someone that has picked you up off the floor when you were upset. I am moving out because this is the way it always it with us. If there is something that is good for me and perhaps mildly inconvenient for you, I am selfish for wanting it.

I have spent years loving you, worshipping the person you are, wishing that I could be good enough for you to love me back. I saw these bad sides of you that made me hate you, and you could, in an instant, make me feel like shit for even having the thought that you weren't perfect. You have manipulated me in so many ways it's unimaginable that I am functioning. But you will never see it that way. I keep everything inside of me, I talk more to my therapist than I do to you. Because there are things that you will not let me say, things that you do not want to hear. Because if I tell you the things that make me imperfect, you will take it as a reflection on you. And if you won't let me tell you these things? Doesn't that make you selfish?

Penguin Rock

2008-11-26T17:17:00.000-05:00

My friends don't think I'm cool enough to rock this penguin set in my new bathroom.

Complete with trash can.

I think I need new friends.

Eavesdropping

2008-11-23T13:45:00.001-05:00

Overheard just this minute at a Panera in Nashua, NH:

"Well you know some guy ZA-WAN-SEY is not going to be the guy for you so why do you keep emailing him?"

I almost spit my coffee all over my screen.

THAT woman

2008-11-23T12:30:00.000-05:00

When you work in retail you get used to people watching and watching their behavior is the most fasinating. Like THAT woman that comes into the store on average 3 times a week and tries on ARMLOADS of clothes, out of which she will usually purchase the 3 cheapest things she tried on claiming "These are the only things that I could get to fit me." Really? Cause when they were full price you said you hated them, huh. She dresses up with the jewels and the hair done and flashed the VERY LONG FINGERNAILS and emits an odor of perfume so strong it barely masks her desperation. She leaves the fitting room in tatters, is incredibly rude, and returns most of what she buys. I think maybe she HAD money and maybe doesn't anymore. I would be sympathetic but in order to make herself feel better she comes into the store to treat other people like shit. It gives her some knd of rush. I understand the women that come into the store and try things on that they maybe can't afford to buy. They lust after them, wait for them to go on sale, and ARE SO DAMN HAPPY when they finally get them for a bargain.

But those people are happy. And nice. They admit that something is too expensive. THAT woman tears down the clothes and the store and the staff and ends up buying the jacket anyway when it hits $14.99. I can't stand her attitude. She buys and returns like it's an Olympic sport and she is reaching for the gold. And the ENTITLMENT. As I mentioned before, she is in the store three times a week, yet she will hold onto an item until the return by date has come and gone. And then throws a hissy fit (and by hissy I mean HHHIIIISSSSYYYY fit) about "I am a great customer, why don't you make an exception, I want to talk to the manager, I am so unhappy, I spend so much money here, Blah, Blah, Blah" We have this awesome tracking system at work that calculates the purchases and returns and total net spending by each customer. This is used to determine if someone actually is a good customer. And when I pull up your history and I see that in the past year you have purchsed $1,600 from us BUT! have returned $1,530, you are NOT considered a good customer. We are just a place for you to work out the psychological bullshit you have about your lifestyle.

So when I point out that you have returned almost everything you have ever bought and that you have been in the store 17 times since you made that purchase and you had every opportunity to bring it back and I can not make an exception for you, I hope you know that if you were just the tiniest bit humble, I probably would have helped you. But since you are such a cunt, I won't.

Librarian Glasses

2008-11-23T07:46:00.000-05:00

These are my current glasses. My friend D. says they look like glasses a porn star would wear in a librarian scene. I have new ones on order.

Flushing Kittens?

2008-11-22T16:47:00.000-05:00

Please note that sign says do not throw 'anything' down the toliet except toliet paper. Do you think people were throwing weird things down there? Like kittens?

New Apartment

2008-11-22T09:04:00.000-05:00

I am moving 8 days. I have lived on my own before (twice) and with boyfriends (twice) but this is the first time I am stepping out simply because I want to. I have so many things to say but am feeling so stressed.

Again with the audacity?

2008-11-17T16:40:00.000-05:00

I am in a store looking into a jewelry case. I am maybe 12 inches from it. You come along and jam your fat body between me and the jewelry case that I was clearly looking into. When I say 'Excuse me, but I was just looking in there.' To draw attention to the fact that the woman just cut me off, she replies, 'You don't own it.'

At this point the gloves are going to come off. Really? Are you honestly surprised when I tell you to move you fat fucking ass before I do? Do you really think that you are exempt from acting like a human being? And that when someone is rude right back to you, you think you have the right to be appalled?

This is why I should never leave my house.

New Hair

2008-11-17T13:45:00.001-05:00

So this is my old hair.

And this is my new hair.

When I cut my hair this morning I was totally happy. Seeing that massive amount of hair sitting on the ground was a big relief. I had forced myself to let it grow out past my shoulders and I did. When I got in the shower and it took half the time because I wasn't washing that horse's mane I called hair. I used 1/4 of the styling products I normally used to tame that beast and it only took 5 minutes to blow dry. (With the long hair? 25 min to be completely dry and never mind the styling part that comes after it is dry.) Every time I have caught a glimpse of myself I was happy.

Until I went to post my old pic did I have moment of uncertainty. I thought "Oh my god, I can't believe I didn't cut it for almost a year and just sheared it all off." But then I thought about what I was thinking when I took that other picture. My hair was frizzy from not being dried properly. I hadn't styled my bangs correctly so I had them slapped back with some bobby pins. Plus my hair was heavy and brittle from all the blow drying. And then I feel my new haircut and sigh that I am still happy with my hair.

Now that winter is almost here I will not have to get up an extra 2 hours early. (One for removing the fucking snow from my car and another to get my hair dry and styled. You can get away with wet head in summer; winter in New England? Not so much) Maybe my headaches won't be so bad if I don't have 10 pounds of hair pulling at the roots. Maybe I'll take better care of it now.

Haircut

2008-11-17T07:25:00.000-05:00

So I do this all the time. I want my hair to grow and let it for as long as I can stand it and then chop it all off.

This time, I did let my hair grow as long as I wanted it. And......I hate it. It looks nice sometimes. But most of the time I am pissed off that it takes so much time to blow dry and products to get it to lay even remotely the way I envisioned it. So I end up throwing it into a ponytail with clips keeping every strand off my face. Not so hot.

T-minus 10 minutes till short hair is back in style!

Being Nice? Not For Me.

2008-11-14T13:59:00.000-05:00

We were having this conversation at work about how being nice is not really part of my natural personality. I can be nice, it just takes a lot out of me. And usually when I am nice it is totally unrewarded and the person on the receiving end of my niceness acts like a DOUCHE BAG of the highest order and I want to be all, "Hey, you have no idea how much effort it is taking me not to snap your neck, how bout some fucking gratitude before I flip the switch and make you cry?"

Which then confirms for me that I am correct, that it's not worth fighting my nature and acting nice because when I am people (try to) walk all over me, acting all mean and I think "Why is it OK for YOU to act mean and I have to just accept it but when I am mean and someone gets their feeeelings hurt there has to be a whole discussion about how I hurt their precious feelings?"

When someone comes up to you and gives you attitude your natural instinct is to give that attitude right back to them. That person will in turn, get all high and mighty and proclaim "Don't you talk to me like that!" Like they are so much better than you that they can take a shit all over you and you just have to smile. In my ten year retail career I have participated in some extensive training for that exact problem; training your personality against it's natural instinct to defend itself and be able to take shit with a smile.

So I am pretty good at fighting my instinct when someone is rude to me not to call them a condescending cunt and get out of my store right now before I put my whole fist up your ass to teach you a lesson. But when someone is rude to someone that works for me (God help them if I actually like that person) I will jump all over their shit before they even realize I was eavesdropping on their conversation.

I love the feeling I get when I can put someone who is being an asshole in their place. It is especially rewarding for me when someone bases their whole self-worth of on making other people feel like shit. My defense against people like that is to use LOGIC. Something these people lack in spades.

Her "Why haven't you gotten that schedule to me?"

Me "I did send it to you. At 3:46pm. I have the confirmation."

Her "Well, you didn't complete the schedule the way I wanted."

Me "How do you know I didn't complete it the way you wanted? 10 seconds ago you didn't even think I sent it?"

Her "I need that schedule now! I don't care what else you have going on; get me that schedule NOW."
(Please note at this point the balance of power is shifting. She went right back to 'not having the schedule' skipping over the whole confirmation. We just won't acknowledge that she admitted that she had the schedule and it was 'wrong')

Me "I'm busy with someone. I'll resend that schedule when I'm done."

Her "I need it NOW!"

Me "A lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

Her (Stunned silence)

Her (Continued stunned silence)

Me "Take a look at the one I sent and then you can tell me specifically what is wrong with it."

**Click!**

I win.

Oh, yeah....

2008-11-14T13:56:00.001-05:00

The previous post? That was me figuring out how to "mobile blog."

And those are my toe socks with the monkeys on them. Please note the bananas on each toe.